How can I make my loved ones’ move to a residential care facility easier and more successful?

By Amy Goyer

Whether your loved ones are eagerly anticipating a planned move to a senior community or residential care facility, are unhappy about the change, or are finding it difficult to understand the move due to cognitive decline, there are steps you can take to make the transition smoother for them. I’ve been through several transitions with family members and have helped other families with theirs. These are things I believe make a concrete difference to ease the transition.

Involve them in the search: Make the search for a new home a collaborative activity, allowing your loved ones to feel a sense of self-determination and involvement in the decision. Consider their physical and cognitive abilities and determine how much of the process they are capable of being involved in. If possible, tour multiple facilities together, and afterward, take time to enjoy coffee or lunch while discussing the pros and cons of each. Try to make the experience enjoyable and maintain a positive attitude.

If visiting every option is overwhelming for them, tour the facilities yourself and narrow down the choices to a few they can visit. For those unable to visit in person, arrange virtual tours and share photos or videos. Whenever possible, give them the chance to speak with current residents and sample the food (poor quality food is one of the biggest complaints in residential care facilities).

When my parents were ready to move, I helped them create a prioritized list of their wishes on large flip charts. Then, I visited 12 independent living and assisted living facilities (and my sister joined me for some of them) and narrowed the choices down to three that I thought were acceptable. Then we took Mom and Dad to visit each one. Afterward, we collectively reviewed our thoughts and created a list of pros and cons for each site. Ultimately, I wanted them to make the final choice because that gave them a sense of control over their lives. (Thankfully, they chose the one that was #1 on my list too!)

Help them prepare: A move is a considerable change, which is difficult for everyone, regardless of age. If they have lived in their current home for many years, the change can be even more challenging. On the other hand, it may be a relief for them to let go of responsibility for maintaining their home and yard. If they move from one level of residential care to another, it is still a change. Be empathetic, supportive, and reassuring about their anxiety and fear of the unknown – you would likely feel the same way. Let them know you will still be there to support them.

Help them with the considerable task of arranging the logistics of the move. Assist with sorting, discarding, gifting, donating, and packing their belongings. If you cannot give hands-on help, consider hiring an experienced senior move manager to support the process and gently guide your loved ones through the emotional challenge of letting go.

Equally important is the need to help them prepare for the complex emotional aspects of a move. Leaving a long-time home can cause feelings of grief and loss. It often represents the end of a chapter filled with cherished memories, personal independence, and familiarity. They may feel they are losing control of their lives and their bodies. Relying more on others for help with daily tasks or feeling like a burden can be very demoralizing. These emotions can be intensified if the move is prompted by health concerns or the inability to care for themselves as they once did.

Empathetically validate their stress, emotions, and concerns. Watch for signs of anxiety and depression and seek treatment if needed. It may be helpful to engage an objective third party, such as a therapist, counselor, or social worker, who can work through difficult emotions with your loved ones. At the same time, remain optimistic about the exciting possibilities and potential for new friendships and experiences, as well as improved safety.

Make it home: Remember that this will be their home—whether for a few weeks, months or years. It’s not a hospital or dorm room. They will do much better if surrounded by familiar belongings. Consider a favorite chair, a few family photos and other treasured items. The goal is to re-create the feel of their home on a smaller scale. Consider what makes it home for them in terms of comfort, familiarity, and joy. If they are gardeners, include some plants. If their TV is their primary form of entertainment, place it in a central location. If reading, creating crafts, gardening, or doing woodwork are favorite pastimes, set up a corner of their new home accordingly.

As soon as their belongings are moved, work quickly to make their first night go smoothly. Create a sense of comfort with familiar things and pleasant scents (I used room spray for my parents’ new apartment; baking cookies is also a great way to make it feel inviting and cozy). Bring their favorite snacks and stick to routines as much as possible.

When my parents moved into a senior community, I took extra care to make it feel like home. I drew up plans for their apartment, and together, we experimented with different layouts before the move. My mom was worried she’d have to part with more of their antiques and cherished items than necessary, so this preparation reassured her. Since my dad had dementia, I focused on recreating the layout of their bedroom and living room to match their furniture arrangement at home, helping him adjust to the new surroundings more comfortably.

A critical factor in making it home for my parents was an animal-friendly location. So, we chose a first-floor apartment with a doggie door that allowed Dad’s service dog to go outside and do his business.

After the move, help them transition: Continue to visit regularly and make adjustments as needed. Listen to and believe them if they have concerns; validate their viewpoints and feelings. Advocate for them to ensure the comfort and safety of their new home. Monitor the quality of their care and make sure they are happy with it.

Some facilities will advise you to stay away for an extended period of time after a loved one with dementia moves. That advice may work for some people, but not everyone, so I suggest you consider what you know about your loved ones and their stage of dementia and do what you think is best. I did not do that with my parents; they needed my help adapting to the changes. I stayed with them at first to ensure they could find the bathroom during the night. Every night, I showed Dad the thermostats and light switches until he could handle them by himself. Eventually, they settled in and danced in the living room like always. Then, I knew it was home for them.

Have patience: Remember that your loved ones’ ability to adapt may be compromised, so, above all, be patient. It may take them longer to adapt to change, but that doesn’t mean the situation is hopeless. Expect them to take two or three times longer to adapt than you would if you moved right now. And if the new home doesn’t work out, you can always make another decision.

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Amy Goyer is a nationally known caregiving expert and author of Juggling Life, Work, and Caregiving. A passionate champion for caregivers, she has also been one her entire adult life, caring for her grandparents, parents, sister, and others. Connect with Amy on Facebook, Twitter, and LinkedIn.